Quotes

100 Incredible Funny Quotes that will make you laugh.

Funny Quotes
Written by Jaycaption

100 Incredible Funny Quotes that will make you laugh.

The proverb “laughter is the best medicine” is well known. That cliche is very true in so many ways. Humor can assist reduce tension and creating a small pocket of happiness amidst the demands of life if you’re having a terrible day or if someone you love needs some encouragement. There are many methods to make someone smile and lift their spirits in this collection of funny quotes.

Funny quotes of the day

Are you in need of a good laugh? With a wide list of funny quotes that make you laugh out loud, we’ve got you covered.

Funny Quotes

 

  • I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. -Mitch Hedberg
  • A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. -Don Marquis
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. -Abraham Lincoln
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one -Abraham Lincoln
  • I am only human, although I regret it. -Mark Twain
  • When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. -Norm Crosby
  • What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. -Oscar Levant
  • When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. -Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
  • Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. -David Letterman
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres
  • can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -Fred Allen
  • The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. -Fred Allen
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me they’re cramming for their final exam. -George Carlin
  • Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -George Burns
  • When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burn

Related: FEELING DEPRESSED? SAY THESE 35 POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

Funny quotes about life

Funny Quotes

  • I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -Tom Lehrer
  • The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
  • Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? -Henny Hill
  • As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett
  • It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. -Dave Barry
  • When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. -Goerge Burns.
  • Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. -Greg Tamblyn
  • Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? -Leno
  • I live by my own rules reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife but still my own. -Si Robertson
  • A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. -Rodney Dangerfield
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -Steven Wright

Funny birthday quotes

Share these funny birthday phrases with the individual who is celebrating their special day; they are sure to make them grin!

  • It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle. -Unknown
  • On this birthday when someone refers to your many years, you can just tell them you are now a classic, and classics are priceless. -Catherine Pulsifer
  • Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it. -Catherine Pulsifer
  • Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday, I will forget yours if you forget mine! -Kate Summers
  • Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. -Joad
  • Don’t just count your years, make your years count. – George Meredith
  • The good thing about getting older is if you don’t want to do something you can say, I’m too old to do that! -Kate Summers
  • You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be. -Irish
  • As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have the ability to control the flames. -Chaka Khan
  • Turning the big 40, well that can seem like a blow. No worries though as 50 will be here before you know it! -Catherine Pulsifer
  • You’ve heard of the three ages of man: youth, middle age, and you’re looking wonderful. -Cardinal Spellman
  • When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents. -Blair Sabol
  • Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I need an upgrade. -Author
  • Age is a number and mine is unlisted. -Author
  • Happy Birthday to you, we hope that all year you never feel blue. Now that you are fifty-five, we hope that you will survive -Marcia Goldlist.
  • You’re not forty, you’re eighteen with twenty-two years’ experience. -Author

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Funny love quotes

Life isn’t the same without a sense of humor. We don’t always have to look serious when we express our affection for someone. Your relationship will take on a whole new meaning when you throw witty and sweet love words at your partner. It makes both of you feel more at ease with each other, resulting in a longer-lasting connection.

Funny Quotes

  • Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. – English Proverb
  • Love is the same as except you feel sexier. – Judith Viorst
  • I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. – Chico Marx
  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers
  • I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
  • Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein
  • Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Thomas Dewar
  • Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns
  • A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. – Spanish Proverb
  • He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. – Ring Lardner
  • Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. – Jean Kerr
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. – Cindy Garner
  • Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Related: 20 Tips on How to Ask a Girl to be Your Girlfriend

Funny retirement quotes

Moving on and saying farewell are the themes of these retirement quotes. They’re uplifting and motivating retirement quotes that would make a beautiful complement to any farewell card message.

  • The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. – Abe Lemons
  • Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. -Gene Perret
  • You’re retired, goodbye tension, hello pension! -Author
  • Retirement is a time to do what you want to do when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it. -Catherine
  • There is no need to be bound by convention, push the envelope, do it weird, do it differently, but most of all, do it fun! Be that cigar-chomping rock’n’roll granny if it takes your fancy. -Stella Rheingold
  • Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway. -Unknown
  • Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places. You’re off and away! -Dr. Seuss
  • Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different. -Patrick Foley
  • Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. – J. Lubbock
  • Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living. -Anon

Funny quotes about inspiration

Observing regular life might sometimes produce enough hilarious quotes to make you giggle. These funny quotes statements are a fun way to think about things and bring a little levity to your day.

Funny Quotes

  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. -Rodney Dangerfield
  • Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. -Anton Chekhov
  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. -Charles Wadsworth
  • High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. -Christopher Morley
  • If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. -Chuck Palahniuk
  • A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. -Dennis Waitley
  • Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. -Desmond Morris
  • Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. -Doug Larson
  • Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  • Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. -Doug Larson
  • In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard. -Demetri Martin

Related: 80 Inspirational Stay Strong Quotes to Use in Hard Times

Funny motivational quotes

At times, when going through tough times and hard paths, you need something to cheer you up and as well motivate your spirit. Reviewing some of these Funny quotes below will as well do that for you!

Funny Quotes

  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? -George Carlin
  • According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. This is really kind of disturbing when you consider a man’s best friend is his dog. -Jay Leno
  • It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. -Jerry Seinfeld
  • Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -Jackie Mason
  • If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. -Johnny Carson
  • Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. -Benjamin Franklin
  • Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves
  • All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel
  • When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. -Clarence Darrow
  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. -Dave Barry
  • I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. -David Lee Roth
  • There is a theory that states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory that states that this has already happened. -Douglas Adams
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -Earl Wilson

Funny marriage quotes

Being able to lighten the atmosphere may go a long way, whether it’s by laughing at each other’s foibles or by seeing the comedy in life. There are lots of funny marriage quotes that back this up.

  • “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time Husband!” —Bill Maher
  • “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” —Benjamin Franklin
  • “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
  • “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” —Chip Gaines
  • “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
  • “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
  • “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” —Dax Shepard
  • “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” —Megan Mullally
  • “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” —Tom Hanks
  • “Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” —Chris Hemsworth
  • “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” —Mickey Rooney
  • “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” —Barack Obama
  • “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” —Joyce Brothers

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